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Monday, June 20, 2011

The 6 Most Epic Examples of Facial Hair in MMA!!!

The world of MMA is rife with truly epic facial hair. Some say a good beard hides a fighter's chin so it's harder to get knocked out.  Others say it makes the fighter look that much more epic when knocking someone out. This list will look at fighters with the most recognizable and awesome facial hair.

6. Andrei Arlovski

Sex Panther of the Face.
Andrei "The Pit Bull" Arlovski is a former UFC Heavyweight champion from Belarus, or as it is translated "White Russia".   So he's a "White Russian".  But make no mistake, people from Belarus are NOTHING like the "drink" enjoyed by women and effeminate "men" in bars all over the country.  As if that's not enough, Andrei is well known for a) his vicious style of fighting including victories over Tim Sylvia, Justin Eilers, Jake O'Brien and Roy Nelson; b) his fanged mouth guard, and; C) his epic as fuck beard. I'm sure this beard does wonders for his personal life.  However, in the ring this beard could be considered Sex Panther of the Face, however, because it is apparent with his 15-9 record, 60 percent of the time it works every time.

5. Kimbo Slice

Old Dutch.  And he's not even Dutch.
Kevin "Kimbo Slice" Ferguson rose to fame on the internetz by way of backyard BBQ fights on Youtube, earning him the namesake "The King of the Web Brawlers" by Rolling Stone. After a loss to D Class MMA fighter Sean Gannon (2-1 record), Kimbo decided to have a go at MMA; thus, bringing Kimbo, and his signature Old Dutch, into the spotlight for the rest of the world to marvel at.  Many proclaimed his beard should not be permitted because a) it was so full that it hid his chin, making it harder to hit and;  b) after the 14 seconds it took Seth Petruzelli to TKO him made people claim he had a "suspect chin".  His beard may have (partially) helped him with his stand up but sadly, his beard couldn't help his ground game.  After just two losses he was cut from the UFC.  Word is he's going to try his hand at boxing.  Yeah, that suits him better.

4. Dan Severn/Don Frye

Voltron and Megazord.
Number 4 has to be a tie. Dan Severn is an MMA fighter and was a UFC fighter when that shit was still in diapers. His 1994 match and ultimate defeat at the hands and legs of Royce Gracie is one of the most famous matches in all of MMA history. Don Frye is a retired MMA fighter, former UFC champion and a training partner of Dan Severn.  Both men were actually training partners as Don Frye began wrestling as a freshman in 1984 for Arizona State, where he was trained by Don Frye and again in 1995 when Frye helped train Severn for the Ultimate Ultimate 1995. 

The mustaches that these two former MMA fighters possess are probably two of the most epic examples of keratin and protein to grace the area between the upper lip and nose of a man in all of history and the fact that they trained together makes it doubly so. If the lip brows of these two combined into one singular mustache, it would be like Vultron and the Megazord combining to form the most powerful facial hair in the universe. To make things even more epic, Don Frye fought Godzilla in the 2004 movie Godzilla: Final Wars.  Vultron and Megazord, indeed.

3. Brock Lesnar

Brock's Viking War Beard.
Lets face it.  Brock Lesnar is as close to a modern day viking as any man is ever going to get.  The dude is cartoonishly gigantic, he's like a berserker frate trane (yes, that is spelled right and the nod goes to Middle Easy) when he gets in the ring, he kills large animals in the snow with his hands, and for a brief period of time, he sported a beard that looks like it was made for raiding villages and soaking up the blood of his prey.

Despite all appearances, however, Brock did not have the same defense percentage or hit points as a viking as he lost his title to Cain Velasquez via a lot of punches.  He received a nice new facial scar (which is pretty epic in itself, but that's a separate list all together) and in the process performed some of the most recognized acrobatics to ever occur in the Octagon.  He did some sort of backpedaling spinning cartwheel maneuver as he was trying to regain contact with reality after being punched by a giant Mexican.  There's a million and a half gifs online of it.  Look it up.  Google it.  It's hilarious.

2. Evan Tanner

Motherfucking lumberjack. 
Evan Tanner (February 11, 1971 – September 8, 2008) was a former UFC Middleweight and USWF Heavyweight champion.  He was the first American to win the Pancrase Neo-Blood tournament. He was an avid outdoorsman. He beat Robbie Lawler and Phil Baroni (twice).  He was an outdoors man.  He was a Goddamn bad ass. And his lumberjack-esque beard could kick the ass of any other lumberjacks beard ever. Despite the size disadvantage (according to reports) it could most likely whip the ass of Paul Bunyon's beard and then kill Babe for Tanner to eat for dinner.

On September 3, 2008 Evan rode into the desert region west of Palo Verde, California to go camping.  Sadly, he would not ride out.  Per wikipedia:

"Some people expressed concern about Tanner's well being going into the desert alone. Tanner responded to concerns about his plans for a desert adventure in a post on August 27, 2008.

'It seems some MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) websites have reported on the story, posting up that I might die out in the desert, or that it might be my greatest opponent yet, etc. Come on, guys. It's really common down in Southern California to go out to the off-road recreation areas in the desert about an hour away from LA and San Diego. So my plan is to go out to the desert, do some camping, ride the motorcycle, and shoot some guns. Sounds like a lot of fun to me. A lot of people do it. This isn't a version of 'Into the Wild.''
Tanner had recently purchased a dirt bike, and on September 3, 2008 he rode into the desert region west of Palo Verde, California to go camping. According to Tanner's manager John Hayner, Tanner called that afternoon to say that his bike had run out of gas, and that he would accordingly walk back to his camp. Temperatures that day reached 118 °F (48 °C), and friends became concerned and reported Tanner missing after he failed to contact them.  His body was discovered by a Marine helicopter on September 8, 2008.
The Imperial County coroner determined Tanner's time of death to be sometime between late September 4 and early September 5, but the legal date of death was recorded as September 8, 2008. Tanner's body was found near Clapp Spring with empty water bottles. Tanner had reportedly intended to refill his bottles at the spring before heading back to the provisions at his campsite, but the spring was unexpectedly dry, and Tanner text messaged a friend informing him of this. However, Evan felt he could make it back to camp if he traveled during the later hours of the evening, refusing offers at that time to send help. Friends were told that if they had not heard from Evan by the next morning and could not reach him by 8am, they then needed to contact Search and Rescue.
Rescuers found Evan at a spot where he stopped to rest. During that rest, he succumbed to the excessive heat, slipping over onto his side into the position that rescuers found him in. An empty water pouch was nearby. According to the military article that was posted, Evan's motorcycle was at his camp, and within his provisions were ample supplies of water.  The Imperial County sheriff's office official cause of death was cited as heat exposure".
I'm an outdoors man and an avid survivalist and, in this situation, you accept the help. If you don't have the water (which you should have in MORE than ample supply if you are heading into the desert) and your only water source has dried up, take the help.  It's sad because he would still be here today if he had.  Let that be a lesson. The world lost a great fighter. And truly one of the most epic beards to ever grace the Octagon.
1. Epic Beard Man

He sure as fuck will.  Call the Amba Lamps.
Although not technically an MMA fighter YET (there are talks of him entering MMA, mostly by him where he will rematch his foe from the bus fight) 67 year old Epic Beard Man, aka Thomas Alexander Bruso, had to appear on this list because Epic Beard is his fucking NAMESAKE. He rose to fame on Youtube with a video depicting him and his beard destroying a hoodlum, simply known as Michael, on an AC Transit bus somewhere around February 15, 2010, at approximately 3:00 p.m EST.  Yes, motherfuckers know it down to the TIME. The beat down was so nasty it has spawned a ridiculous amount of internet memes and even a Mortal Kombat style fight gif, complete with blood and energy bars.  He's even wearing a Raiden hat.

And I say him and his beard because the beard completely fucking deserves credit.  It was what made this ass whooping all the more spectacular.  Had he not had his beard and done the same thing, he would simply be referred to "The Old Guy who beat that black guy up on the bus".  Anyway, if he were to rematch "Michael", I predict the same results.  Ass whippin' by an epic beard.

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