The 6 Most Epic Examples of Facial Hair in MMA!!!

The world of MMA is rife with truly epic facial hair. Some say a good beard hides a fighter's chin so it's harder to get knocked out.  Others say it makes the fighter look that much more epic when knocking someone out. This list will look at fighters with the most recognizable and awesome facial hair.

6. Andrei Arlovski

Sex Panther of the Face.

Andrei "The Pit Bull" Arlovski is a former UFC Heavyweight champion from Belarus, or as it is translated "White Russia".   So he's a "White Russian".  But make no mistake, people from Belarus are NOTHING like the "drink" enjoyed by women and effeminate "men" in bars all over the country.  As if that's not enough, Andrei is well known for a) his vicious style of fighting including victories over Tim Sylvia, Justin Eilers, Jake O'Brien and Roy Nelson; b) his fanged mouth guard, and; C) his epic as fuck beard. I'm sure this beard does wonders for his personal life.  However, in the ring this beard could be considered Sex Panther of the Face, however, because it is apparent with his 15-9 record, 60 percent of the time it works every time.

5. Kimbo Slice

Old Dutch.  And he's not even Dutch.

Kevin "Kimbo Slice" Ferguson rose to fame on the internetz by way of backyard BBQ fights on Youtube, earning him the namesake "The King of the Web Brawlers" by Rolling Stone. After a loss to D Class MMA fighter Sean Gannon (2-1 record), Kimbo decided to have a go at MMA; thus, bringing Kimbo, and his signature Old Dutch, into the spotlight for the rest of the world to marvel at.  Many proclaimed his beard should not be permitted because a) it was so full that it hid his chin, making it harder to hit and;  b) after the 14 seconds it took Seth Petruzelli to TKO him made people claim he had a "suspect chin".  His beard may have (partially) helped him with his stand up but sadly, his beard couldn't help his ground game.  After just two losses he was cut from the UFC.  Word is he's going to try his hand at boxing.  Yeah, that suits him better.

4. Dan Severn/Don Frye

Voltron and Megazord.

Number 4 has to be a tie. Dan Severn is an MMA fighter and was a UFC fighter when that shit was still in diapers. His 1994 match and ultimate defeat at the hands and legs of Royce Gracie is one of the most famous matches in all of MMA history. Don Frye is a retired MMA fighter, former UFC champion and a training partner of Dan Severn.  Both men were actually training partners as Don Frye began wrestling as a freshman in 1984 for Arizona State, where he was trained by Don Frye and again in 1995 when Frye helped train Severn for the Ultimate Ultimate 1995. 

The mustaches that these two former MMA fighters possess are probably two of the most epic examples of keratin and protein to grace the area between the upper lip and nose of a man in all of history and the fact that they trained together makes it doubly so. If the lip brows of these two combined into one singular mustache, it would be like Vultron and the Megazord combining to form the most powerful facial hair in the universe. To make things even more epic, Don Frye fought Godzilla in the 2004 movie Godzilla: Final Wars.  Vultron and Megazord, indeed.

3. Brock Lesnar

Brock's Viking War Beard.

Lets face it.  Brock Lesnar is as close to a modern day viking as any man is ever going to get.  The dude is cartoonishly gigantic, he's like a berserker frate trane (yes, that is spelled right and the nod goes to Middle Easy) when he gets in the ring, he kills large animals in the snow with his hands, and for a brief period of time, he sported a beard that looks like it was made for raiding villages and soaking up the blood of his prey.

Despite all appearances, however, Brock did not have the same defense percentage or hit points as a viking as he lost his title to Cain Velasquez via a lot of punches.  He received a nice new facial scar (which is pretty epic in itself, but that's a separate list all together) and in the process performed some of the most recognized acrobatics to ever occur in the Octagon.  He did some sort of backpedaling spinning cartwheel maneuver as he was trying to regain contact with reality after being punched by a giant Mexican.  There's a million and a half gifs online of it.  Look it up.  Google it.  It's hilarious.


2. Evan Tanner

Motherfucking lumberjack. 

Evan Tanner (February 11, 1971 – September 8, 2008) was a former UFC Middleweight and USWF Heavyweight champion.  He was the first American to win the Pancrase Neo-Blood tournament. He was an avid outdoorsman. He beat Robbie Lawler and Phil Baroni (twice).  He was an outdoors man.  He was a Goddamn bad ass. And his lumberjack-esque beard could kick the ass of any other lumberjacks beard ever. Despite the size disadvantage (according to reports) it could most likely whip the ass of Paul Bunyon's beard and then kill Babe for Tanner to eat for dinner.

On September 3, 2008 Evan rode into the desert region west of Palo Verde, California to go camping.  Sadly, he would not ride out.  Per wikipedia:


"Some people expressed concern about Tanner's well being going into the desert alone. Tanner responded to concerns about his plans for a desert adventure in a post on August 27, 2008.

'It seems some MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) websites have reported on the story, posting up that I might die out in the desert, or that it might be my greatest opponent yet, etc. Come on, guys. It's really common down in Southern California to go out to the off-road recreation areas in the desert about an hour away from LA and San Diego. So my plan is to go out to the desert, do some camping, ride the motorcycle, and shoot some guns. Sounds like a lot of fun to me. A lot of people do it. This isn't a version of 'Into the Wild.''

Tanner had recently purchased a dirt bike, and on September 3, 2008 he rode into the desert region west of Palo Verde, California to go camping. According to Tanner's manager John Hayner, Tanner called that afternoon to say that his bike had run out of gas, and that he would accordingly walk back to his camp. Temperatures that day reached 118 °F (48 °C), and friends became concerned and reported Tanner missing after he failed to contact them.  His body was discovered by a Marine helicopter on September 8, 2008.

The Imperial County coroner determined Tanner's time of death to be sometime between late September 4 and early September 5, but the legal date of death was recorded as September 8, 2008. Tanner's body was found near Clapp Spring with empty water bottles. Tanner had reportedly intended to refill his bottles at the spring before heading back to the provisions at his campsite, but the spring was unexpectedly dry, and Tanner text messaged a friend informing him of this. However, Evan felt he could make it back to camp if he traveled during the later hours of the evening, refusing offers at that time to send help. Friends were told that if they had not heard from Evan by the next morning and could not reach him by 8am, they then needed to contact Search and Rescue.

Rescuers found Evan at a spot where he stopped to rest. During that rest, he succumbed to the excessive heat, slipping over onto his side into the position that rescuers found him in. An empty water pouch was nearby. According to the military article that was posted, Evan's motorcycle was at his camp, and within his provisions were ample supplies of water.  The Imperial County sheriff's office official cause of death was cited as heat exposure".

I'm an outdoors man and an avid survivalist and, in this situation, you accept the help. If you don't have the water (which you should have in MORE than ample supply if you are heading into the desert) and your only water source has dried up, take the help.  It's sad because he would still be here today if he had.  Let that be a lesson. The world lost a great fighter. And truly one of the most epic beards to ever grace the Octagon.

1. Epic Beard Man

He sure as fuck will.  Call the Amba Lamps.

Although not technically an MMA fighter YET (there are talks of him entering MMA, mostly by him where he will rematch his foe from the bus fight) 67 year old Epic Beard Man, aka Thomas Alexander Bruso, had to appear on this list because Epic Beard is his fucking NAMESAKE. He rose to fame on Youtube with a video depicting him and his beard destroying a hoodlum, simply known as Michael, on an AC Transit bus somewhere around February 15, 2010, at approximately 3:00 p.m EST.  Yes, motherfuckers know it down to the TIME. The beat down was so nasty it has spawned a ridiculous amount of internet memes and even a Mortal Kombat style fight gif, complete with blood and energy bars.  He's even wearing a Raiden hat.

And I say him and his beard because the beard completely fucking deserves credit.  It was what made this ass whooping all the more spectacular.  Had he not had his beard and done the same thing, he would simply be referred to "The Old Guy who beat that black guy up on the bus".  Anyway, if he were to rematch "Michael", I predict the same results.  Ass whippin' by an epic beard.

A Bullshit Cartoon Review: Max and Ruby

If you are a parent, you are oft required, FORCED, to watch television programming that you wouldn't watch with someone else's eyes.  But, It's part of the job description.  You would probably rather be kicked in the dick repeatedly by a roided up kangaroo then watch some of the crap they put on TV for kids today.  The cartoons of today are so horrible, that if He-Man, Lion-O, Snake Eyes and M.A.S.K. decided to team up and clean house on the cartoon characters of today, every TV in the world would explode in awesomeness. But, alas, it is what it is.  Our kids enjoy this shit.  So, today here's a review about a rather popular TV show: Max and Ruby.

The Plot

Max and Ruby is a show based on the Max and Ruby children's books written by Rosemary Wells.  It's Canadian.  In Korea it's called Maegseuwa Lubi.  There are two main characters: Max and Ruby.  Max is an instigating fuck 3 year old bunny who can only speak in one or two word phrases (which he repeats the whole damn episode) and Ruby is his older 7 year old, "responsible" sister.  Episodes usually revolve around her trying to accomplish some sort of goal or project and Max (seemingly) doing everything he can to show her otherwise.  By the end of the story a 3 year old has a) usually outsmarted his older, more "intelligent" sister REPEATEDLY as she attempts to get him to cut his shit out and; b) manages to HELP her accomplish her goal with all of his seemingly counterproductive activities. And that word he repeats OVER AND OVER throughout the episode... Well, if you have at least the intelligence of a pubic hair, you would know that the word(s) he repeats over and over reveal that he knew what was going down all along.

Max

Fucking Instigator.

One thing of note about Max (voiced by Tyler Stevenson) is that he has a huge selection of toys. Actually, they are more like his minions, rather than his toys. In some cases, they are the pointless focus of an episode.  Like his firetruck that he seems to lose every other frigging episode.  And his toys all appear to have minds of their own. Which is terrifying.  One toy that appears in most episodes is his red lobster, which is so smart that he was actually fucking TERRIFIED of it at first. It actually chased him around the house feeding on his fear and horror.  I could swear he was dropping "bunny pebbles" from his trademark overalls as he ran from this thing for most of the episode.  This toy teaches children the meaning of fear. It's also his most "intelligent" toy.  In one episode, this damn thing can climb up the leg of a table to the table top to steal a muffin ON FUCKING COMMAND. If any of my kids had a toy that could steal on command I'd be both RICH and pretty damn nervous.  He also has wind up robots that walk around robotically repeating shit like "RED ALERT!" for an annoyingly long period of time and are usually used by Max to destroy any hopes Ruby has of ever accomplishing anything ever. As an aside, the kid who does his voice acting probably has the easiest job in all of television because he just says the same one or two words over and over the whole damn episode. My 3 year old son speaks in full sentences (most of the time) and this kind of leads me to believe that Max is autistic. He has impaired social interaction and communication (he is constantly trying to screw Ruby up and can only speak one or two word sentences), and he exhibits restricted and repetitive behavior (he constantly repeats the same fucking one or two word phrases over and over). Yup, this sunuvabitch is autistic.

Ruby 

Uptight Bitch.

Ruby (voiced by Rebecca Peters) is usually trying to accomplish some activity or goal, like creating a poster for her Bunny Scout meeting (which was almost fucked by the Max's robots) or collecting berries for her grandmother (which Max consistently ate, to her dismay. Just smack the fucking kid already) or some other trivial task.  And, thanks to this Rebecca Peters lady, speaks with a VARIETY of speech impediments.  She puts the emPHASIS on the wrong sylLABLE of words, strings words together in one long run on or just straight up mispronounces shit.  It's almost like she's in the sound booth of the studio trying to lip read someone saying her lines TO HER instead of reading them from a script.  Kids may not notice this, but as an adult I question the credibility of the casting director for this cartoon.  She's also extremely bossy and uptight and basically acts like a cunt to Max the whole episode (probably because he's autistic, he's always trying to fuck her over, and her grandmother always sides with Max).  Which leaves no wonder as to why he's always meddling in her shit.  One episode in particular stands out when they went to the mall to buy Max some new overalls and he spotted a dragon shirt he wanted instead.  She refused to acknowledge his desire for said shirt, was insistent on getting him some more overalls, and at the same time was trying on various dresses that SHE WANTED.  Bullshit.  Get the kid the dragon shirt.  He would probably take care of it a lot better than he does his shitty overalls.  Those things get jacked up every episode.  But, in typical Max fashion he slips away while Ruby is trying on dresses, finds himself a dragon shirt, gets himself on ice cream and ends up spilling ice cream on the dragon shirt, therefore, requiring that they buy it.  Well played.  Well played.  Ruby also has an OCD with saying the entire brand name of Max's toys such as "your Rescue Ranger Emergency Ambulance" instead of just calling the fucking thing "your ambulance".  Overall, she is probably in the top 3 most ANNOYING CARTOON CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME. EVER.

Grandma

The only authority figure Max and Ruby have is a schizo grandma.

Another thing of note is that Max and Ruby's parents are completely absent and basically never even mentioned in the cartoon.  We are led to believe a 7 year old and a 3 year old live in a house ALONE with no parents and are fending for themselves successfully. It's Ruby who feeds, clothes, and bathes Max. My theory on this is that this is the terrifying end result of the Peter Cottontail story: the parents luck ran the fuck out and they were finally killed raiding one too many farmer's gardens, and the kids are living in the house hiding out so as to stay out of the bunny orphanage. Luckily the parent's had money, which the kids are now using to live.

Basically, the only authority figure they ever reference is their Grandmother, who appears in a few episodes.  Max is often her cohort when she is planning something and even though Ruby believes that Grandma won't like Max's ideas, she usually sides with Max when he dupes Ruby and when Ruby assumes Grandma will dig her ideas better than Max's.  To me, that is straight up choosing sides.  It appears as though the two don't have parents at all and the only authority figure they have chooses favorites (probably because he is autistic).  Ruby is going to end up with serious issues as an adult and will most likely end up abusing all of her future boyfriends both mentally and physically.  That's if she doesn't end up a lesbian so that she can take her anger issues out on another woman (most likely her friend Louise. More on that in a minute).  PICTURING HER GRANDMOTHER THE WHOLE TIME.  Anyway, one thing about the grandmother is that she gets excited over trivial shit at the wrong possible times.  For instance, the episode where her and Max STOLE Ruby's favorite toy duck Mrs. Quack so that she could  knit it a sweater or some shit.  Max and Ruby were supposed to go hang at her house but Ruby decided before they could go she had to establish an impromptu detective agency to find the toy.  Max was repeating "Grandma" the whole fucking episode while Ruby searched for clues.  Grandma got tired of waiting and decided to bring the duck back while exclaiming "RUBY YOU DID IT! YOU SOLVED THE CASE OF THE MISSING DUCK!" NO. She the fuck didn't.  You got tired of her incompetence and brought the fucking duck back.  And it was supposed to be a secret and your partner in crime was giving you up the whole episode.

Louise

Future Lesbian.

Louise is Ruby's best friend who frequently appears in the show and quite possibly a future lesbian and love interest for Ruby. She has a cousin named Morris who also appears in the show and is friends Max. Consequently, these two 3 year olds manage to outsmart the fuck out of Ruby and Louise on a constant basis.  She also kisses Ruby's ass every chance she gets, often at her own expense.  

In Conclusion

All in all, I have to say that this show is pretty "interesting".  But not interesting in the literal sense, like it holds my interest.  Interesting in the sense that as a parent I see it for what it really is: the dysfunctional relationship between an autistic brother and an uptight bitch of a sister who have no parental figures (save for the schizophrenic grandmother who chooses sides) and their struggle to survive.  Would this be something I watched at their age? No.  Hell no. I was busy watching shit like He-Man and Thundercats and G.I. Joe and Ninja Turtles and Transformers.  Awesome shows about ass kicking and kicking ass.  Shows that still endure in our memories even today.  Shows they are remaking into NEW shows and movies and shit. But with the crap cartoons that are on TV today this is about what they are left with and this probably wouldn't be a show that would EVER be remade into ANYTHING.  But, for now they seem to enjoy it.  And in the end, that's all that matters.